Day 1 of the Writing Without The Drama podcast. Thought I was ready for it. As a matter of fact, I was almost blaise.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
Then I was on iTunes and went to look it up and got all these butterflies. The old voices started up again, "How dare you?" "What makes you think you have anything to offer?" "Whose going to listen anyway?"
So I started wishing I had never started the series. But then, wait! Suddenly it didn't show up on the iTunes search. Turns out the upload didn't work. We weren't launched.
Devastation. Panic. Disappointment.
So basically in the space of like two seconds I went from being in denial to how excited I was for the podcast to complete despair I didn't even deserve a podcast to true disappointment that it didn't launch.
Yikes! I might want to work on that whole resiliency thing.
Then strangely, I felt a little gleeful that I didn't have to blog today and could delay the start of writing my new novel, Humanesque.
I really am a dork.
You see, I really thought I had worked so much of this out. The flickering in and out of my creative voice. Taming the wild horses that so desperately want to work on a project then run off on the next exciting project without ever finishing any.
The magpie syndrome where whatever the next pretty, shining idea is more interesting than the one I'm committed to work on. I think I'll go peak on that one for a while until I get distracted again.
So, guess I'm not over that yet! :-)
Which is so very perfect. Its just interesting information that the old fears are still kicking around in there somewhere. By coming out and being so chatty, the voices are actually asking to be parented through their issues.
It's not a set back that after a read of a really rough draft of a script that I felt the old harsh criticism of myself. That I felt a complete failure despite the fact that everyone else at the read was completely jazzed about the script and impressed by what good shape it was in given that I had written the entire thing in 5 days.
It's not a set back that I'm still really nervous to write Humanesque.
All of these things are just a reminder that I have so much further to grow. That I get to choose a gentler path for my creative journey. That if I insist that you guys never be harsh with yourselves and turn off your inner critic, I might want to practice what I preach.
I love it when I have to turn to my own podcasts for guidance.
I can't tell you how excited Zen is right now. She loves it when the path ahead clears. When you can see that there are sharp, ragged boulders before you, yet just to the left there is a smooth, gentle trail with a great view we could take instead.
Taskmaster, of course, is slightly impatient (okay, really impatient but even she is trying to grow) that we have work to do. Those ten pages to fulfill our pledge this week, aren't going to write themselves.
I have to pause though to thank Taskmaster. She's the one that's gotten me through all these years. Because she really doesn't give a crap about angst.
If we said we were going to write ten pages, we are going to write ten pages. She doesn't care how good they are. Ten pages, baby, ten freaking pages.
While I am now making a conscious choice to not muscle my way through my creative issues anymore and not write with my fingers in my ears singing 'lalalalalalalala' to the negative voices, just barely eeking out pages, I do have to thank Taskmaster for never letting me give up. For always insisting on putting fingers on the keyboard even when I thought they might electrocute me.
So, no matter how busy, or afraid, or paralyzed you feel today, write.
Listen to your Taskmaster. Two crappy pages are ten thousand times better than no pages at all.
Then embrace your Zen. Enjoy those two crappy pages. Revel in your storytelling. You liked that idea for some reason. At one point you felt passion enough about it to commit to tell that story. So sink into it. Remember your original excitement, tap into that. But if all else fails remember...
Writers write. That's what we do. We're not called whiners or slackers or scardy-cats. We're called WRITERS because, duh, we write.
And I'm going to let you in on a little secret that your negative voices have been hiding from you for years.
YOU ARE A WRITER.
Nope, I don't want to hear any nay-saying. No demurring. No obfuscating.
YOU ARE A WRITER.
So go write already!
:-) 'Til next time.